Dispelling Self Love
I wanted to talk about self-love today because I noticed something really interesting that comes up in most, if not all, of my coaching sessions... I almost cannot believe how long it has taken me to see just how common it is.
Clients will come to me and say one of their goals is attaining true self-love or self-acceptance.
(This can range from being about them as a whole person to just being about their body).
What's fascinating about this goal for self-love / self-acceptance is that when I ask clients to explain what that is, or what that looks like for them, their answers are all usually along the lines of:
"I'll know that I have self-love/self-acceptance when I only think positively about myself or when I only feel good about myself."
OR
"When I stop thinking negatively about myself or feeling bad about myself I'll know that I've reach self-love/self-acceptance."
There is this idea that we don't arrive at truly loving or accepting ourselves until we have managed to get rid of all the negative thoughts and emotions, and we only have positive ones about ourself. And then we dance off into the sunset feeling absolutely amazing for the rest of our lives... If only lol.
What's really interesting to me about this, is that it's not possible.
You cannot eliminate negative thinking and negative emotions from your life.
So when we have a goal of self-love or self-acceptance and believe that we will reach it when we no longer have bad thoughts about ourselves, or no longer experience negative emotions about ourselves, it becomes a goal that creates a lot of frustration and disappointment.
This is because we loop on trying to figure out why we can't just "love ourselves", meanwhile we are trying to eliminate thoughts and feelings that we will never be able to entirely eliminate from our lives.
Being human means we experience both positive and negative. We are trying to do something that is impossible, and then blame ourselves for not being able to do the impossible... It doesn't feel very good, and it probably doesn't feel very loving.
SO, I wanted to dispel the idea of self-love and self-acceptance...
Self-love and self-acceptance are not the result of you only thinking loving things and positive things about yourself.
I truly believe the deepest most connected way to experience self-love or self-acceptance is by accepting all of yourself.
What do I mean by this?
Loving or accepting yourself even when you are experiencing negative emotions or negative feelings, not just positive ones. AND not necessarily trying to change them to positive things.
We cannot eliminate negative thoughts and emotions from our lives but we can experience them and not make them mean there is something wrong with us. Which might be the key difference.
We tend to want to eliminate the negative thoughts and feelings because we tend to make having those things mean we are doing something wrong, or there is something wrong with us, because we "shouldn't think negatively" and we "shouldn't feel bad".
We don't have to make them mean these things.
Having both the positive and negative makes us human. They are both a part of life.
I believe that allowing your negative thoughts and feelings (not indulging them or ruminating) but allowing them to be there instead of trying constantly bandaid them with positivity is one of the most loving and accepting things we can do for ourselves.
And really think about it... Is it really loving yourself, or accepting yourself, if you are only willing to accept and love the positive parts?
I would urge you to consider "Why am I trying to eliminate the negative thoughts and emotions?"
The obvious answer might seem like “Because they feel bad, and I don’t want to feel bad.”
But when we feel bad it is what allows us to know all the good too.
It’s what allows us to love harder, be more joyful, and connect deeper. It allows us to be more compassionate, it makes us human.
As cliche as it is, we cannot have the good without the bad. And ultimately you cannot eliminate the bad.
Another thing to consider is that there are things that we want to be mad about, sad about, and just not feel good about. Losing someone you love is a large scale example, but on the small scale an example could be that your closet is a disaster (who wants to be happy about that??).
You can try to put all of the positive thoughts you want onto a closet that is a mess, but do you really want to? Is it helping you get a closet that is not a mess when you are trying to be happy about the mess?
I want to give you another example that comes up a lot.
I'm going to give you the situation, and I want you to notice immediately where your mind went as you read the circumstance...
"My pants don't fit."
Where did your mind go?
When you read that sentence, does your mind immediately tell you this is a bad thing?
Pants not fitting, doesn't make you feel anything. Pants don't actually hold that much power over us or our emotions. Which is amazing news.
Want to know how I know the statement "My pants don't fit." doesn't make you feel bad?
Because that statement could also make you feel good. It's entirely dependent on the lens you see the world with and what you thought about the pants not fitting.
Notice I didn't say anything about why the pants don't fit. I just said they don't fit.
They could be too big, they could be too small. Some people want to gain weight, some people want to lose weight. Pant's not fitting does not make us feel anything because we are all going to think differently about this statement, and it's the thought that we are personally having about it that makes us feel happy, or upset.
The truth is, there is no right way to think about the pants not fitting, but choosing what you think on purpose matters.
If you did think negative thoughts about this statement did you try to band aid them with positive ones? OR, did you just get upset and want to avoid thinking about it?
The point of this example is to show you that you are allowed to think and feel any way you want to about a pair of pants not fitting.
You're allowed to be happy about it, you're allowed to be mad about it, you're allowed to be sad about it.
Just don't fake or avoid the way you actually think and feel about it and call it self-love.
(And if this is something you are doing, how does this actually feel when you do this?)
If you're upset or mad about a pair of pants not fitting, dismissing this feeling that is calling out to you, is like dismissing part of yourself.
I also want you to know that you're allowed to be upset and mad about it.
Think about all of the amazing things that have happened, been created, or changed simply because someone was upset or mad about it.
If you can shift into a positive thought that you believe, that's great... but you do not have to.
And you certainly don't have to in the name of self-love.
The real deal with self-love and self-acceptance is being willing to experience it all and not make it mean you're living life wrong.
Can you allow yourself to experience all of yourself, the good and the bad, and still love yourself?
This to me is self-love. This to me is self-acceptance. Being human, experiencing the good and bad, and knowing that you've got your own back through all of it, not just the good days.
(This also helps with confidence ;) but that's a topic for a different day.)
And when you really think about it, wouldn't you say that it's probably even more self loving to love yourself when you are having thoughts that make you feel angry or sad?
And if you're wondering "How do I love myself when I'm experiencing negative thoughts and emotions?":
I love myself on the hard days, by letting myself have the hard day, the difficult moment, the negative emotions. (I don't use them to go into a downward spiral or indulge them, or make them mean horrible things about myself.) You don't have to do anything with them, you don't have to fix them, you just have to see them, allow them to be there, and notice that these moments make you as human as the positive ones and they have just as much wisdom for you as the positive ones. It's why they are calling out to you.
Love & Trust Yourself