What to do when your role models sucked...
I have had many clients share stories about how their inner fight when it comes to clothes can be traced back to a parent or significant "role model" in their life shaming them about what they wore (more often than not body shaming them).
This week we are diving into the topic of shame and how it shows up in our lives and clothes, and how to interact with it when you're ready.
Before we get to far in I will say, the thing that I personally believe keeps shame so well and alive when it isn't something we actually want to experience is the idea that it needs to be hidden away. Shame, to me, truly seems to thrive in the dark, while it only seems to dissipate when it's brought to light, through critical and compassionate exploration.
So if you want the TLDR version of this, it's that when you're ready to bring whatever shame you are carrying out of the dark where it's tucked nicely away so only you have to feel it's tiny shards of glass poking into you while every else is none the wiser... which is scary because it requires you to be vulnerable... which requires you to experience how you are truly feeling.
Know you're not alone, everyone experiences shame, and someone may even know exactly what you're going through.
Know that you what you will feel is temporary.
Know that you are in control.
And know that if you don't want to do it alone, there is someone who can provide a safe space for you to do so, whether it's a therapist, councillor, trusted friend, women's circles, coaches, and more.
If you want to see if this is something you can start healing today, let's get into it:
Like I mentioned, shame seems to really thrive in the dark. It really loves feeding on all of the negative thoughts, beliefs, and feelings that we have piled onto the original one that may have started it all. It doesn't want to leave the home that's been created for it, it loves it, and the last thing it (or you) wants is to have you come to do an inspection, or worse ask it to vacate entirely.
I personally have found that confronting the things I feel shame around is scary because the same question always comes up that tries to convince me it's a bad idea. "What if this thing about you is true?"
Most of the time what helps me past this thought is that if it were true to who I am it wouldn't feel so horribly misaligned.
What I mean by that is shame will try to isolate you and have you believing one way of thinking about yourself, and with it being in the dark hidden away from any second opinions it can be difficult to see anything but truth in the shame.
My secret weapon against this is that my emotions are a sign that it's not true, they are my second opinion, and when I'm feeling shame, it's my physical body ringing the alarm to say that there is so much more to this than the beliefs of unworthiness.
Even if something is true about me, or let's say I have done something that I truly know is out of character for me, it was wrong, I don't want to spend the rest of my life hating myself for it and I don't have to. I want to be able to fully see it so that I can start building self compassion around it instead.
The other reason I don't want to allow the shame to hide in it's dark little house to fester in my brain is because when I bring it to light not only can I bring compassion forward for myself I can start to critically explore it and poke holes in the beliefs that fuel it (this is one of my favourite things about coaching). It's like if you were operating on shame... you can't do it without seeing it, you have to open it up in order to see what is actually happening, and in order to find out what you can do or what you want to do to heal it, in a manner that actually empowers you.
When it comes to having been body shamed or shamed about the things you wear I want you to notice a couple of things:
If you are an adult who is not currently around the "role models" or people that may have first instilled this shame... Can you notice that it is no longer them that is feeding the shame? Can you notice what fuel you are feeding the shame to keep it alive and burning?
The people that may have initially internalized beliefs that we weren't enough, or worthy because we didn't look a certain way or didn't wear the right things, are not with you in your mind 24/7 the way you are. They may occasionally pop up to stoke the fire if it's still burning, but they aren't the ones maintaining it, you are. And trust me I know this may possibly be the worst pill to swallow, because it's their fault right?
But there is nothing they can do to remove the shame, they cannot be in your brain and simply take it away. I know this because even if someone came up to me that I felt caused something I'm shameful about that had grown within me for a long period of time, and they told me they felt the opposite now, maybe even apologized, or started proclaiming a bunch of wonderful things about me, it would not magically change the belief that I have built a home for. I took the torch, and carried it, even if I really didn't want to, simply because I believed it was true. But that is what it so great about knowing that it was a belief that I chose, I can also decide to stop choosing it.
You don't need to change your thoughts or try to evict the shame, but can you suffocate it? Can you make a choice today to stop feeding it?
When you've stopped choosing it can you take another step forward and start choosing beliefs that make you feel whole and allow you to fully express yourself freely?
If you are around someone who is trying to shame you right now putting pressure on you to dress "better" "lose weight" "gain weight" "be more professional" (to simply be someone you're not), or maybe no one has expressly said those things but you are believing that others look down on you for the way you look or the way you really want to dress...
If you feel this constant pressure but you're in a bit of a limbo where they are trying to pass you the torch but you haven't fully accepted it... do not accept it. I want you to know that every bit of shame someone is trying to press upon you stems from within them, everything someone says about the correct way to look, or dress has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them, and because they are not ready to interact with their shame they are naturally looking for a way to share it without opening themselves up to being vulnerable instead, which is normal, but it doesn't mean you have to carry it with them, it means you have the opportunity to show them what life is like when you don't build a home for the shame.
The 2 best tools to really approach shame are to be compassionate and critical.
The only way to utilize these tools is to bring the shame to light in a way that works for you.
Being compassionate looks like:
•Taking care of yourself (whether that's seeing someone to talk it out, or simply asking yourself what you really need through out the day)
•Not fuelling or feeding the shame anymore
•Finding community and choosing not to isolate
Being critical looks like:
•Poking holes in your own logic
•Noticing when you are judging yourself and others and considering why and if you can reverse the judgements
•Being an observer of your thoughts instead of analyzing whether you are right or wrong
Lastly, specifically when it comes to body image shame it is incredibly valuable to start normalizing seeing the parts of you that you may have identified as shameful in other people who don't.
Seeing that it's possible to have self-compassion, and that it's okay to be exactly the way you are, you are worthy exactly the way you are, can help us to really explore who we are on a deeper level for the most amazing benefits.
If you specifically struggle with shame around body image or self image here are some amazing places to start:
Love & Trust Yourself