Prioritizing Yourself
I wanted to share all the ways that you can start prioritizing yourself with you all.
Learning to self prioritize goes beyond just filling your own cup and into taking your power back and not being at the whim of time other people or things. It's also learning how to be in and enjoy your own company.
There are many amazing benefits and with multiple clients seeking coaching on this currently I wanted to share some insights for you to take and use to change your life too.
The first thing that typically comes up with a client who isn't self-prioritizing or feels like they don't know how is that they are consistently telling themselves they have to be the one to do everything for everyone else (or it won't get done / it's not okay), and that they have to be everything to everyone. This isn’t true. I see this come up a lot though as an objection to focusing on personal style because they don't have the time, space, or energy to prioritize themselves.
So, a really simple way to start self prioritizing is to stop trying to prove to yourself that you are the one that has to do everything in your house. Or that you have to play the role of many different people to show up appropriately or in a way that means you love the people in your life - you know playing the role of mother, friend, therapist, coach, etc.
What is the worst that will happen if you don’t make dinner one night? Or if you don’t make a dinner other people will like, but you do? You let the people in your house down? Someone gets upset? But aren't you upset? are you constantly letting yourself down? These things are already happening, and you need to start counting yourself in as much as you do every other person and thing in your life.
You don’t do the dishes that week? Maybe they sit for a while, maybe someone else does them, but we have to stop telling ourself that we HAVE to do these things, they are all a choice, and you are choosing. The only way to find out what self-prioritizing is like is to start making different choices that reflect you choosing yourself first, whatever that looks like for you. That may look like doing the dishes because you want to (not because you have to) but it also might look like letting someone else do it or letting them sit while you self-prioritize in a different way.
When we are choosing to believe we have to do something it leads to feeling frustrated, sad, unappreciated, burnt out, resentful etc.
And even though it's easier to say you feel unseen or burnt out because of all these thing you have to do and be, the truth is you feel this way because you are thinking "I have to clean up the house.", "I have to be a supportive friend.", "I have to take care of everything and everyone.". You don't actually have to do any of it. You are in complete control of what you do and don't do and who you are for the people around you.
I'm not saying you need to be positive about it instead, I'm saying the first step is to take your power back and intentionally make whatever choice you want by being aware of how you think about the people and things in your life, instead of thinking you're at the effect of them. Practising this self awareness alone is a great way to start prioritizing yourself and is freeing because you are consciously deciding what you want to do and why, knowing and being willing to choose to or not to.
This typically is the first step because if you are believing you have to put everything before yourself you'll never take the time to prioritize or do the things you want to do for yourself or to discover what that even might be.
Once you start playing around with really breaking down the belief that you "have to" do anything and start noticing you can in fact do whatever you want but you aren't sure what you even want to do... here are my recommendations.
If you don't have a lot of time, think of all the big scale things that want or wish you could do.
Maybe its traveling, going on day trips to hike, or taking a dance class.
Maybe it's spending all day writing, painting, or creating.
Whatever it is I recommend clients take a small aspect of that that they can enjoy for even just five minutes.
Each of these for example I have given myself at least five minutes to experience. For the travelling example I have started appreciating that when I get in my car to go get a coffee I am in fact travelling, I also will play with watching travel vlogs and allowing myself to plan a trip a little day by day. If you're someone who just wishes they could spend all their time in nature, start just spending some time outdoors in the morning or evening.
If you're like me and couldn't commit to a dance studio/class, start dancing for five minutes every day. Write, practise yoga, paint, create for five minutes a day.
5 minutes is plenty to practise believing that what you want is just as much a priority as what you believe others want/need.
If you have time to do something for yourself but notice you rush through it because you are believing that this thing is unproductive because it is for yourself and it doesn't look like typical physical tangible results that you know you can provide for other people... (dinner, dishes, someone to vent to, a should to cry on) my recommendation is to start giving yourself more time to do things for yourself.
For example, shopping - notice if you’re telling yourself it’s frivolous to spend time on it… this is time spent on yourself and only you can give yourself that time, AND you make it what it is, it does not have to be frivolous. It can be rewarding, entertaining, insightful, and beautifully fun if you choose for it to be. You don’t have to explain it away you can let it be amazing even if you don’t come away with anything tangible.
The result of actually giving yourself more time is that you are giving yourself space on how to figure out what prioritizing yourself actually is. You're the only person that can give it to yourself, and you're the only person who can figure out what prioritizing yourself actually looks like in your life.
Lastly, you can also start infusing what you like and more of you into all parts of your day -
Start choosing and making meals you like and can have everyone else try too.
Start your morning with your favourite podcast or music or five minutes of time dedicated to yourself (dance, yoga, journal, read, draw).
But MOSTLY, start choosing what you believe and think about what you actually have to do in your day on purpose. Just because you seem to be the only person who does or is those things doesn't mean you are, and doesn't mean you have to all the time.
On a final note, it's okay to let people down, it's okay for someone to be upset with you because you didn't do the dishes, didn't make a dinner they liked, or couldn't be there to support them. It doesn't mean you're doing anything to them, and it doesn't mean you'll never do the dishes again, make a meal someone else loves, or be there for the people you care about, it just means you are considering yourself now too. And if you are someone where you do everything and are everything to everyone it might take them a while to adjust, give them the opportunity to experience the change how they need to without trying to control how they react or feel about you making new choices.
You don't HAVE to do anything. Sit with that thought for a while and see what comes up, especially if it feels uncomfortable.