Boundaries
Boundaries...
What they really are.
When and how to set them.
Boundary challenges, and things that aren't boundaries.
This week we are taking a look at what seems to be an incredibly hot topic and how you can start changing your life with this one simple tool.
So when should you state / set a boundary?
You don't need to run around ahead of time telling people your boundaries, many personal boundaries are shared by many people so there is often a quiet understanding. Even so, the only time you really need to state a boundary to someone is the first time that boundary has been crossed.
Which is also why it is incredibly important to be clear about what your boundaries are. Take some time to consider what kind of behaviours and things you are willing to allow being directed at you to get more clear on what your boundaries are if you're unsure. Are you okay with someone yelling at you? Commenting on your body? Using your things without asking? Touching you? These are all every day things, and there are many more that you can consider that will help you build a strong relationship of trust with yourself if you can get clear on how you want to be in each instance.
For example, if someone comments on your body, whether it's good or bad, you may have a personal boundary that says you don't allow comments about your body. If someone does make comments you let them know about this boundary and that if they cross it again you will either discontinue communicating with them or seeing them.
There are no rules on what the "consequence" has to be, the only rule to keep clear is that it has to be something you do if they cross the boundary, not something they need to do.
How do you set a boundary?
Step 1: Make a request for them not to repeat their actions when the boundary has been crossed. Whether it's a physically, emotional, or mental one.
"If you... (continue to comment on my body - good or bad)"
Step 2: Tell the person what you will do if they cannot respect your boundary.
"I will... (stop communicating with you / stop seeing you)"
This allows the other person to choose how they will behave, but clearly lets them know what you will do if it happens again - they are aware of the risks.
One thing to clarify is that wanting someone to do something differently, that isn't about you, just your wants, is not a boundary issue. For example: Wanting to receive compliments from friends or a partner when you put on a nice outfit, wishing you were noticed more for your hard work, or wanting other people to agree with you on something you shared.
The biggest distinction I want to make that we are going to get into is that boundaries come from love.
The second is that boundaries are about you and what you can do, not about controlling or changing people.
People do not have to act or respond the way we think they should, which is why boundaries are about you and being conscious about what you really want, and not about changing anyone else.
Ie: Someone saying comments about your body during the holidays - as much as it would be nice for them to not, boundaries look like saying that you'd like for them to not talk about or comment on your body, BUT if they decide to continue to, you will not continue to see them, not respond to them, or whatever you can do for yourself in that situation.
This is why it's important to be clear about what you want - if it's a family member for example commenting on your body and they are choosing not to stop even after you've asked you have to decide if this is a relationship you want to continue having or not because that is what you are in control of, and if this person is attending family functions and you have no control over that it looks like being very clear that you are not going to communicate with them.
As ideal as it would be to change some one else or their behaviour, we simply cannot control others and our happiness does not lie in them being the way we wish or want them to be. Our joy, safety, and peace comes from ourselves and is completely within our control, and that is why boundaries are about you and no one else.
I know you're probably thinking it would be way easier for them to just change than it would be for you to have to set a boundary or cut them off. However living in a state that is dependent on people acting the right and appropriate way for you to feel joy, safety, or peace is exhausting and breeds resentment, whereas choosing how you want to live your life, by protecting and honouring yourself is filled with love.
Which is another key component of making boundaries and how you know they are okay to have, is they are coming from love.
I don't mean you are being nice, or letting people walk all over you with soft boundaries that hardly are boundaries.
I mean that when you are making one it is coming from a place of love for yourself and the other person because you are choosing it knowing you can love this person regardless of the behaviour but it doesn't mean you have to continue to know them, connect with them, or communicate with them when they do cross your boundary.
Sometimes the most loving thing to do when your boundaries are being crossed is to release communication and connection from that relationship whether they are a family, friend, or stranger.
Making conscious choice about your boundaries will give you back your power and control of your life instead of feeling at the whim of other people's behaviours.
Boundaries are not ultimatums. If it feels like that, you'll know it's not coming from love, and is more likely coming from a place of trying to manipulate someone into doing something differently. Remember a boundary is not about them, it's about protecting yourself.
One of the main challenges that comes with setting boundaries is sticking to them, especially in the moment where they need to be stated and followed through on. Standing firm in your boundaries, is important or it sends the message that the boundary doesn't truly exist.
Knowing your why and that it's coming from love helps tremendously.
There tends to be a fear that boundaries bear the risk of losing relationships, or hurting other people. However, when we don't set a boundary and hide our truth to avoid letting another person react the way they will (which you can't know how they will actually react until they do so you don't have to assume the worst) it creates a relationship that is built on lies, doesn't create true intimacy and often leads to resentment.
I'm not saying that having these conversations is easy or not challenging.
But that's where the loving part of this comes in. Honouring your truth and being willing to open up to those uncomfortable conversations and share that with another person means you truly value the relationship and want it to be one where you both can create a strong and healthy bond where you can be open about more complex things.
They may be hurt, and they may not respond well to the boundary, they may not even agree with it, but you have to allow them to choose what they want - this is unconditional love. In some cases your relationships continue stronger than ever, while in others the relationship does not continue on, both are okay.
Remember boundaries are about you, but they are for you and the other person involved. They are within your control, and they create a space between you and another person that allows truth, intimacy, and love to flow.
Love & Trust Yourself